The Birth of Swamini VaJaiJaiMa!

I'm writing this blog entry still very elevated from diving so fully into Hoop Convergence 2012.

Last year at Hoop Convergence, it was the first time I introduced myself as VaJaiJaiMa.

She had been swirling through my awareness for a year or so...

I think She came to me as a result of a prayer I made to an Unknown Higher Power,

to help me transcend the 

shame, confusion, rage and violence and anger 

I felt as a survivor of sexual trauma.

When I was 17, one month before departing for college, I experienced a non-consensual sexual encounter that would leave me with Herpes, a not-so-fresh way to begin my adult life as a sexual being.

Combined with a strongly Catholic upbringing, the shame and guilt and dirtiness I felt became debilitating in so many ways through my adult life. 

I now look at the whole experience as my choice.

I'm choosing to believe that I specifically came to this Earth to experience some of the hardships of being human and to transcend those experiences and become able to assist others in our mutual healing.

I am the youngest of the 5 daughters of my mother and father.

Later at my father's funeral, I would find out that I actually had a brother, 

who was 48 at the time, the son of my father's first wife, also named Rita,

like my own mother's name, who was my father's third wife.

Both the fact that my father was married before and my father's son were news to me.

The night before the funeral, my aunt revealed this information to me, 

and begged me not to let anyone know that I knew.

At 25, although these were big secrets to be revealed, 

they weren't the first secrets to be held in my family's consciousness, by a long shot.

When I was seven years old, my sister kept her pregnancy a secret and 

gave birth to my beautiful niece in our home and no one knew she was even pregnant.

My parents decided to keep my niece a secret until my sister graduated from high school, 

because it was a Catholic high school, (the country's oldest all girls Catholic school)

and image mattered that much to my family.

Earlier than that, when I was 5, my beloved babysitter who lived across the street 

in our golf-course neighborhood, was murdered by one of the boys who lived down the street.

I found out because I saw the story on the news.

My parents were going to keep that a secret, too.

I think he killed her because she found them smoking marijuana and was going to tell,

and he wanted to keep her quiet.

I don't know that he meant to actually kill her.

That's what I was able to piece together over the years, anyway.

Also, when I was 5, another sister would begin a life-long battle with mental illness and addiction that has had her living in jails, prisons, mental institutions and on the streets.

As I grew up, I have at some points been the focus of her obsession and the focus of her rage, resulting in many phone-call death threats, and several intense physical encounters.

As a result of these facts of my early life, I made up so many stories 

about sexuality, pregnancy, child birth, mental illness. 

I also gathered information about how to be a woman in this world, 

and how women relate to each other. 

I made up these stories to try and make sense of things, 

and the way my little mind made up stories, things became very black and white, good and bad. 

Some of these stories served to protect me, and some of these stories served to limit me,

limiting my joy, my freedom, my pleasure, and my growth and learning.

And to me back then, the stories I'd made up were that

clearly sex and pregnancy were bad, dirty, and something to hide and cover up.

From my experience, women did not really talk to each other, 

sharing the mysteries, the beauty and the glory of the female body, 

like I so enjoyed as I read The Red Tent.

So, I held my first precious female body discoveries in deep and painful secrecy.

I even kept my first period a secret for the first month.

I still wince thinking of inserting my first tampon, keeping the plastic covering on it, 

and riding my bike to the local pool, 

only to have it constantly slip and slide out of my precious 10 year old vagina...

My sisters and brothers-in-law incessantly heckled me 

when I came back from one of my first make out sessions with a neighborhood boy,

my little 12 year old legs covered in chigger bites.

I decided to hide my sexuality even deeper.

I, too, developed a pattern of secrecy and began to live my life in a shroud of invisibility,

disconnected and with no real elders 

with whom I could be completely authentic, honest and real.

I also became an over-achiever in the realm of the extracurricular. 

I sometimes wonder if it was really just trying to stay away from a 

home and family that wasn't meeting my needs for peace of mind, 

safety, trust, respect, and being seen.

Student Body President, Co-Captain of the Cheerleaders, Drama Club...

being so ultra-involved also allowed me to have lots of time 

to have lots of sex with my high school boyfriend at the time,

pretending I was at some club meeting or group activity.

He was my second sexual experience.

My third experience with sex was non-consensual,

mainly because that evening I was on at least 5 different drugs.

Rohippenol, Ecstasy, Marijuana, Acid, and Cocaine in one night.

My memory of this night includes waking up and passing back out in different sexual positions, my body loose like a rag doll, and not being able to speak.

About a week after this experience, 

a week before I was headed off to college,

I noticed a dull tingling around my vagina.

I tried to ignore it and within hours my entire vulva and 

surrounding areas had exploded with over 20 herpetic sores.

I was 17. Packing for college. 

I was so ready to leave what was a traumatic childhood for me, behind,

and bound forward with all the 

self confidence a Student Body President/Captain of the Cheerleaders 

should have upon entering college.

Because of the secrecy that I chose to live in with my mother,

I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

I chose to call on my very first lover, who lived down the street,

and had become like a strange sort of a big brother for me.

While I was on the phone with him, my mother was listening to our conversation,

and ran upstairs in a tornado of rage

to let me know that she'd heard the conversation.

She thought I was pregnant, and when I told her that I had experienced 

a non-consensual sexual experience, 

she didn't change or shift the level of anger and rage that was coming out of her,

for finding out my secret.

I mourn still that she wasn't able to look at me in the eyes, 

to hold me close to her heart and say,

(these are the words that would feel so good to hear)

"I'm so sorry that happened to you, Jaime. 

There is nothing you have done to deserve this.

and at the same time this experience 

will make you a very strong and compassionate woman.

You are so beautiful and wonderful and nothing anyone can say 

or do can change the eternal beauty that you are. 

Your body will heal. 

You will heal to be stronger, healthier and 

more radiant than ever before. 

You are a being of Love and Light. 

This, too, shall pass."

(Some sort of ceremony burning sage, lighting candles, and 

gently holding me and rocking me would have been a nice touch, as well.)

But that's not what happened.

And I understand why, and I'm okay with it today.

I think I'm experiencing a big dose of forgiveness today.

I'm experiencing forgiveness today, May 2012, 

as I receive the news that my entire family was in court,

battling each other around the topic of my mother's safety,

and who should be in charge of her care and her affairs.

My 4 sisters divided on each side of a court room.

My mother taken from the nursing home, and put on the stand...

my mother who now suffers from the effects of 

traumatic brain injury and anoxic brain injury,

as a result of a heart attack that should have killed her,

put on the stand to answer questions about her sanity,

and presence of mind.

Blood sisters divided.

In a court room.

Somehow, it just doesn't compute.

This painful reality of my own blood family is serving a purpose for me, and that is to emphasize the value in women transcending jealousy and competition, and joining forces for mutual healing and t=for the healing of our people and our planet.

My own family situation just serves to remind me that violence, isolation, separation, blame, fault-finding, and score-keeping are not the roads to intimacy and team work.

For me, with almost 4 years now of Non-Violent Communication trainings, 

12 years of being a yoga teacher, life coach, and personal fitness trainer,

and 17 years delving into my own therapy and healing process,

I've dedicated my life to the ever expanding human potential;

I'm committed to supporting peeople in making their own healthy lifestyle changes, ultimately for selfish reasons:

I want to live in a community, in a world, that is healthy and vibrant, where people are happy, joyous, free, and very clear that as they do what they love, they are happy and the world benefits.

I really believe that anyone can do anything if they want it big enough,

and are willing to dedicate themselves and follow through.

And yet, my own family situation is so utterly baffling for me, 

and I am truly powerless to have any effect at all on anyone else.

Now, more than ever, it is more clear than ever that all I can do is put one foot in front of the other,

and keep my side of the street clean and clear.

I can look at my own behavior, my own thoughts and actions and create shifts inside of myself.

I can pray for other people to be happy, joyous and free,

and allow that prayer to ripple out and create whatever shifts would be best for everyone.

So, I continue to keep the focus on myself.

I am a beautiful wonderful woman worthy of all good things.

I always get exactly what I want, or Something Even Better.

I am the Epicenter of Global Transformation!

These statements have gotten me untangled from a big and scary web,

woven from a grandmother spider who had big lessons to teach me.

I chose because I was obviously ready to experience 

and to integrate my early childhood experiences of

such intense pain and confusion of the Feminine.

My big lessons have been in the realm of relations between and among women,

and the realm of self-love, self-care, and self-validation.

I am totally committed to my work as a life coach. 

I am also committed to equal, conscious partnerships.

So, I come to this work as an equal, an ally, a source of support for your own wisdom to come forth.

I can offer my own experience, strength and hope, all the while staying in a place of equality,

rather than engaging in a hierarchical relationship.

Through my experiential studies in yoga, fitness, wellness, and exploring human potential, I have created a lifestyle that really works for me.

I now live in a community that is supportive of health and wellness, with booming farmers' markets, healthy grocery stores, and community gardens. I live near a forest, that provides me with beautiful walks, jogs, and seated meditations, especially near the beautiful creek that flows through her. 

I am also deeply connected to other people who love and support me, through spiritual circles, a community that has gathered around Ecstatic Dance, and other friends I've attracted who match my own good energy and love of life.

I've had the same therapeutic ally/counselor for the past 6 years, and have had other allies to support my own mental health for the past 17 years of my 34 year old life. 

I am constantly fueling my body, mind and soul with health and vitality, so that I can be of service,

and do what I cam here to Earth to do:

to leave a legacy of joy, vitality, fun, pleasure, and human-heart connection. People are happier, healthier and deeply engaged as Conscious Creators of beauty and love because I reminded them, supported them, encouraged them to know firmly just how beautiful and wonderful, how worthy of all good things they are, and as a result the world is a better place to be because I exist.

I'd love for you to join me in this vision, to create your own vision, and to start manifesting heaven on Earth right here and now with me as your ally, your guide, your fiend! 

Namaste~