The Birth of Swamini VaJaiJaiMa!

I'm writing this blog entry still very elevated from diving so fully into Hoop Convergence 2012.

Last year at Hoop Convergence, it was the first time I introduced myself as VaJaiJaiMa.

She had been swirling through my awareness for a year or so...

I think She came to me as a result of a prayer I made to an Unknown Higher Power,

to help me transcend the 

shame, confusion, rage and violence and anger 

I felt as a survivor of sexual trauma.

When I was 17, one month before departing for college, I experienced a non-consensual sexual encounter that would leave me with Herpes, a not-so-fresh way to begin my adult life as a sexual being.

Combined with a strongly Catholic upbringing, the shame and guilt and dirtiness I felt became debilitating in so many ways through my adult life. 

I now look at the whole experience as my choice.

I'm choosing to believe that I specifically came to this Earth to experience some of the hardships of being human and to transcend those experiences and become able to assist others in our mutual healing.

I am the youngest of the 5 daughters of my mother and father.

Later at my father's funeral, I would find out that I actually had a brother, 

who was 48 at the time, the son of my father's first wife, also named Rita,

like my own mother's name, who was my father's third wife.

Both the fact that my father was married before and my father's son were news to me.

The night before the funeral, my aunt revealed this information to me, 

and begged me not to let anyone know that I knew.

At 25, although these were big secrets to be revealed, 

they weren't the first secrets to be held in my family's consciousness, by a long shot.

When I was seven years old, my sister kept her pregnancy a secret and 

gave birth to my beautiful niece in our home and no one knew she was even pregnant.

My parents decided to keep my niece a secret until my sister graduated from high school, 

because it was a Catholic high school, (the country's oldest all girls Catholic school)

and image mattered that much to my family.

Earlier than that, when I was 5, my beloved babysitter who lived across the street 

in our golf-course neighborhood, was murdered by one of the boys who lived down the street.

I found out because I saw the story on the news.

My parents were going to keep that a secret, too.

I think he killed her because she found them smoking marijuana and was going to tell,

and he wanted to keep her quiet.

I don't know that he meant to actually kill her.

That's what I was able to piece together over the years, anyway.

Also, when I was 5, another sister would begin a life-long battle with mental illness and addiction that has had her living in jails, prisons, mental institutions and on the streets.

As I grew up, I have at some points been the focus of her obsession and the focus of her rage, resulting in many phone-call death threats, and several intense physical encounters.

As a result of these facts of my early life, I made up so many stories 

about sexuality, pregnancy, child birth, mental illness. 

I also gathered information about how to be a woman in this world, 

and how women relate to each other. 

I made up these stories to try and make sense of things, 

and the way my little mind made up stories, things became very black and white, good and bad. 

Some of these stories served to protect me, and some of these stories served to limit me,

limiting my joy, my freedom, my pleasure, and my growth and learning.

And to me back then, the stories I'd made up were that

clearly sex and pregnancy were bad, dirty, and something to hide and cover up.

From my experience, women did not really talk to each other, 

sharing the mysteries, the beauty and the glory of the female body, 

like I so enjoyed as I read The Red Tent.

So, I held my first precious female body discoveries in deep and painful secrecy.

I even kept my first period a secret for the first month.

I still wince thinking of inserting my first tampon, keeping the plastic covering on it, 

and riding my bike to the local pool, 

only to have it constantly slip and slide out of my precious 10 year old vagina...

My sisters and brothers-in-law incessantly heckled me 

when I came back from one of my first make out sessions with a neighborhood boy,

my little 12 year old legs covered in chigger bites.

I decided to hide my sexuality even deeper.

I, too, developed a pattern of secrecy and began to live my life in a shroud of invisibility,

disconnected and with no real elders 

with whom I could be completely authentic, honest and real.

I also became an over-achiever in the realm of the extracurricular. 

I sometimes wonder if it was really just trying to stay away from a 

home and family that wasn't meeting my needs for peace of mind, 

safety, trust, respect, and being seen.

Student Body President, Co-Captain of the Cheerleaders, Drama Club...

being so ultra-involved also allowed me to have lots of time 

to have lots of sex with my high school boyfriend at the time,

pretending I was at some club meeting or group activity.

He was my second sexual experience.

My third experience with sex was non-consensual,

mainly because that evening I was on at least 5 different drugs.

Rohippenol, Ecstasy, Marijuana, Acid, and Cocaine in one night.

My memory of this night includes waking up and passing back out in different sexual positions, my body loose like a rag doll, and not being able to speak.

About a week after this experience, 

a week before I was headed off to college,

I noticed a dull tingling around my vagina.

I tried to ignore it and within hours my entire vulva and 

surrounding areas had exploded with over 20 herpetic sores.

I was 17. Packing for college. 

I was so ready to leave what was a traumatic childhood for me, behind,

and bound forward with all the 

self confidence a Student Body President/Captain of the Cheerleaders 

should have upon entering college.

Because of the secrecy that I chose to live in with my mother,

I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

I chose to call on my very first lover, who lived down the street,

and had become like a strange sort of a big brother for me.

While I was on the phone with him, my mother was listening to our conversation,

and ran upstairs in a tornado of rage

to let me know that she'd heard the conversation.

She thought I was pregnant, and when I told her that I had experienced 

a non-consensual sexual experience, 

she didn't change or shift the level of anger and rage that was coming out of her,

for finding out my secret.

I mourn still that she wasn't able to look at me in the eyes, 

to hold me close to her heart and say,

(these are the words that would feel so good to hear)

"I'm so sorry that happened to you, Jaime. 

There is nothing you have done to deserve this.

and at the same time this experience 

will make you a very strong and compassionate woman.

You are so beautiful and wonderful and nothing anyone can say 

or do can change the eternal beauty that you are. 

Your body will heal. 

You will heal to be stronger, healthier and 

more radiant than ever before. 

You are a being of Love and Light. 

This, too, shall pass."

(Some sort of ceremony burning sage, lighting candles, and 

gently holding me and rocking me would have been a nice touch, as well.)

But that's not what happened.

And I understand why, and I'm okay with it today.

I think I'm experiencing a big dose of forgiveness today.

I'm experiencing forgiveness today, May 2012, 

as I receive the news that my entire family was in court,

battling each other around the topic of my mother's safety,

and who should be in charge of her care and her affairs.

My 4 sisters divided on each side of a court room.

My mother taken from the nursing home, and put on the stand...

my mother who now suffers from the effects of 

traumatic brain injury and anoxic brain injury,

as a result of a heart attack that should have killed her,

put on the stand to answer questions about her sanity,

and presence of mind.

Blood sisters divided.

In a court room.

Somehow, it just doesn't compute.

This painful reality of my own blood family is serving a purpose for me, and that is to emphasize the value in women transcending jealousy and competition, and joining forces for mutual healing and t=for the healing of our people and our planet.

My own family situation just serves to remind me that violence, isolation, separation, blame, fault-finding, and score-keeping are not the roads to intimacy and team work.

For me, with almost 4 years now of Non-Violent Communication trainings, 

12 years of being a yoga teacher, life coach, and personal fitness trainer,

and 17 years delving into my own therapy and healing process,

I've dedicated my life to the ever expanding human potential;

I'm committed to supporting peeople in making their own healthy lifestyle changes, ultimately for selfish reasons:

I want to live in a community, in a world, that is healthy and vibrant, where people are happy, joyous, free, and very clear that as they do what they love, they are happy and the world benefits.

I really believe that anyone can do anything if they want it big enough,

and are willing to dedicate themselves and follow through.

And yet, my own family situation is so utterly baffling for me, 

and I am truly powerless to have any effect at all on anyone else.

Now, more than ever, it is more clear than ever that all I can do is put one foot in front of the other,

and keep my side of the street clean and clear.

I can look at my own behavior, my own thoughts and actions and create shifts inside of myself.

I can pray for other people to be happy, joyous and free,

and allow that prayer to ripple out and create whatever shifts would be best for everyone.

So, I continue to keep the focus on myself.

I am a beautiful wonderful woman worthy of all good things.

I always get exactly what I want, or Something Even Better.

I am the Epicenter of Global Transformation!

These statements have gotten me untangled from a big and scary web,

woven from a grandmother spider who had big lessons to teach me.

I chose because I was obviously ready to experience 

and to integrate my early childhood experiences of

such intense pain and confusion of the Feminine.

My big lessons have been in the realm of relations between and among women,

and the realm of self-love, self-care, and self-validation.

I am totally committed to my work as a life coach. 

I am also committed to equal, conscious partnerships.

So, I come to this work as an equal, an ally, a source of support for your own wisdom to come forth.

I can offer my own experience, strength and hope, all the while staying in a place of equality,

rather than engaging in a hierarchical relationship.

Through my experiential studies in yoga, fitness, wellness, and exploring human potential, I have created a lifestyle that really works for me.

I now live in a community that is supportive of health and wellness, with booming farmers' markets, healthy grocery stores, and community gardens. I live near a forest, that provides me with beautiful walks, jogs, and seated meditations, especially near the beautiful creek that flows through her. 

I am also deeply connected to other people who love and support me, through spiritual circles, a community that has gathered around Ecstatic Dance, and other friends I've attracted who match my own good energy and love of life.

I've had the same therapeutic ally/counselor for the past 6 years, and have had other allies to support my own mental health for the past 17 years of my 34 year old life. 

I am constantly fueling my body, mind and soul with health and vitality, so that I can be of service,

and do what I cam here to Earth to do:

to leave a legacy of joy, vitality, fun, pleasure, and human-heart connection. People are happier, healthier and deeply engaged as Conscious Creators of beauty and love because I reminded them, supported them, encouraged them to know firmly just how beautiful and wonderful, how worthy of all good things they are, and as a result the world is a better place to be because I exist.

I'd love for you to join me in this vision, to create your own vision, and to start manifesting heaven on Earth right here and now with me as your ally, your guide, your fiend! 

Namaste~

A Letter for Us All

This is an email I sent to my sister.

As I was writing it, I realized it was
not only appropriate for my sister and all
she's walked through,
but also a call to myself, and
all people on the planet,
to bring forth our gifts and talents.

So I edited this writing
to offer to all of us:

Dear Human Beings of Light:

We have been in really dark places,
and we've seen that we can create darkness,
pain and sadness, trauma, imprisonment, isolation and dependency.

We are amazing light-workers as well,
and we have seen the positive results of our power, too...
the joy, comfort, beauty, artistic and exstatic expression of
our highest, Divine Self.

It is the Union of our Lower Self and Our Higher Self
that is the Divine Spiritual Experience,
and will lead us to Liberation.

To truly know all parts of oneself free of
shame or secrets is the way to Ultimate Freedom.

It's interesting we can be ashamed of things we label
as bad, or dirty,
and we can also be ashamed of our bright, beautiful light, too...

Let's let go of all of that, claim our rightful place as a Royalty,
dignified, whole and capable of shifting the world...
and let us wake up in the morning ready to
serve the Universe with that which has our souls
singing.

So it is really up to us, my dear sisters and brothers.

The possibilities truly are limitless, for us,
when we focus with clear intention and
become the author of our own life here on Earth.

Let's free ourselves of any victim labels,
that keep us stuck in suffering,
no one is in control of our emotions,
our success, our future, but WE.

And our past does not equal our future,
unless we deny that it existed...
then we will re-create it.

Get honest about what we have been through,
and what we created with the Artwork of this Life, my friends.

I invite us to write about it.
And share our writings...

Let's use our beautiful life, in its entirety,
as a power source to propel us forward
into creating the life of our dreams:

a life that has us all eager and delighted to
get up in the morning to serve this world
by doing what we authentically love to do,
and that which serves and contributes to the world.

The truth is the world needs you
in your most beautiful and powerful form.

My sisters and brothers,
I need you to rise up and join me
as a light worker on the planet,
awake and eager to be the difference
that will shift this planet into
a new era of light, miracles and interplanetary healing.

I am very excited to meet you in a brand new way,
as Equal Conscious Partners in the Divine Evolution of Our Planet,
Our Family, Our Selves.

Peace and Blessings, My family!

Love,
Jaime

Gulf Spill/Crime and Punishment/Addiction/Empathy

Today, I wanted to get an update on
BP's latest clean-up attempt, "Top Kill."

One line gave me pause:
"BP will release updates when appropriate."

Right then and there,
it struck me that is what happens
when we blame, point the finger,
and accuse anyone of causing anything
on this round planet...

We lose our own power
and ability to respond.

We actually give away our own power and respond-ability...
Whe I am responsible for everything,
then I get to ask myself:
"How are my actions responsible for this?
How did I contribute to this issue?"

And then I get to find a path to taking some action in the world,
instead of sitting powerless behind a pointed finger...

(as my mom always pointed out, that when I point a finger,
three fingers are always pointing right back at me!)

We all pointed our fingers at BP from the very beginning...
"this your mess to clean up..."
We spent so much time spent in courtrooms and
in front of tv sets and computers...
this is how we responded to disaster...

by first assigning blame.

Wow.

Now, we all have one target
for our frustration and anger,
at the planetary devastation we have all created.

BP.

How does that serve this situation at all?

Honestly, this question and inquiry
started for me within my own being...
as I watched the trials,
watched myself get really into blaming,
anger,
finger pointing...
not only with BP and this oil gush crisis,
but also in other areas of my life...

I begin to notice more and more places
where blame shows up:
blame I assign,
and blame others assign me...

I noticed that in my relationships,
I had a real lack of empathy...
coming out of me
as well as coming to me...
not giving or receiving...

I have only recently even begun
to comprehend compassion and
empathy,
even though I've read about it,
and spoken about it as a basic human need in my yoga classes...

Reading about Non-Violent Communication over the years,
and then actually attending workshops and other gatherings
with Catherine Cadden and Jesse Wiens,
www.zenvc.org
has really helped me to begin to give this
"idea"of empathy, of compassion,
some feet and legs, hands and arms...
some practical use-ability in my own life...

Now I want all my relationships to have empathy as
the foundation.

So, I get to practice it, minute by minute.

Self-empathy and empathy for others.

As I practice compassion,
I'm actually noticing an increase in my intimacy,
my ability to really connect with myself,
to heal,
within myself and with "other" people and form lasting,
deeply connected relationships.

What would it be like to offer BP empathy...

(This is just a first shot...
I'm actually pretty new to empathy, myself,
but I've had some amazing results from it in my personal life...)

"Wow, BP. I bet you're feeling pretty scared and freaked out
that one of your oil rigs is totally devastating the waters as we speak.
I'm guessing that you are needing some support in figuring all this out.
Would you be willing to join forces with our government with our scientists and
help us to clean up our world?"

Just a shot..

At the very least,
it creates space
within my own heart right now.

I find it to be a very interesting result
of all this blaming and fault finding that
now we, as a planet, get to wait
to get updates about "Operation Top Kill,"
from BP,
a company,
about the state of things...
on our planet, in our waters.

Like a child, afraid of further punishment,
BP will manipulate the truth
so as to avoid punishment...
this is what happens in "power over" models and paradigms...

This is all one big "power" play...

All of us,
who fuel this fuel industry,
who drive the demand
with our addiction to oil,
point the finger at the drug dealers
when catastrophe surfaces...
after we sought them out in the first place...

and the we create this
large scale dysfunctional parent/child relationship.

It reminds me of my own childhood.

There was such an atmosphere of crime and punishment
set up in my household,
and all my parents knew was this paradigm,
so they did the best they could...
and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for
giving me life,
and loving me so much that I am still alive and thriving now,
And
In that paradigm,
especially as a teenager,
I was afraid to mention when
anything happened that would cause a stir,
let alone something big...
s0 I never really gave my parents the
full truth about anything,
which kept us both from the intimacy
that comes from honesty that we could have shared.

After spending my adult years working
through the pain of that paradigm,
and even marrying a man who
spent 10 years of his life in prison,
I see the devastating effects of crime and punishment.

This fuels my daily search for new ways of living,
new paradigms to learn,
to be able to create a whole new reality for myself
and for future generations on this planet.

I am learning to operate, at least in my household, my friendships,
and in my yoga classes,
from a power-with paradigm.

Co-creation.

I am practicing living from a place of:

"I am 100% responsible for the creation of my experience."
"I am a beautiful, wonderful woman, worthy of all good things."
"I can't be bad, no matter what."

These are new and radical thoughts for me,
that take daily, hourly practice,
and as I work with these and other
abundant and expansive thought forms,
I began to un-wind and shift the blame,
resentment, criticism into more spaciousness, openness and love.

In writing this blog post,
my intention is to expand my
awareness of empathy in my household,
to include the whole world.

I want to highlight the macrocosm that the world stage presents,
reflecting back on the microcosm of self-empathy,
and empathy within our households...

Creating intimacy and authentic relationships
in our families and the entire world
and creating clear, tangible solutions to big world issues
is actually possible by releasing our
old pattern of blame and seeking to connect.

I think it takes believing in each other's inherent goodness and beauty.

I honestly believe that it is possible to see world peace in my lifetime,
and I will work and play for peace until I take my last breath.

Blessings of the Full Moon

Hello Beautiful and Wonderful People,

Whether you were there in physical form and/or in Spirit,
thank you so much for gathering by the fire with me last night,
as the frogs in the pond provided a symphony of tones to accompany us as we
supported and witnessed each other unpeel
the layers we keep wrapped around our hearts and our bodies.

Last night, although the depth of what each woman chose to release was private,
it is my deep Knowing that we all share the same basic forms of dis-ease:
resentment, self-criticism, judgment of self and others, blame, shame, self-doubt and fear...

As we thank these so-called "negative things" for the gifts they give us,
(compassion and empathy for ourselves and others,
being a couple gifts we can receive, if we are open to them)
we become more ready for these dis-ease states to truly release.

As we release tensions in the mind,
we release tensions in the body...
freeing up more space to create beauty, love and peace
on this plane of existence.

Let's support each other in continuing
to be more and more who really are: happy, joyous and free women,
capable of real and amazing transformation on the planet.

We are the "backbone"of our families,
so let's create that backbone
with strong love that comes
from our own core of ourselves, and radiates outward,
for all to see and receive inspiration.

I love you all and thank you for walking with me on this beautiful Life Path!

blessings~
Jaime

Creative Courageous Genius

919-265-4246
"Loving myself one breath at a time; encouraging others to do the same."
www.jaimepowell.net

So Long, Jealousy!

Inspired by a thread of communication between beautiful, wonderful women,
and my
Women's Poetry Circle:


Women United!

I thank the old and ragged shreds of the
Jealousy dress that I used to wear often,
and occasionally try on again,
to see how it fits...
never feeling as good as it used to,
or did it ever really feel good?

The dress reminds me of how I only ever
felt numbness and shades of pain...until recently...

Through noticing the beauty and depth of other women,
many different women,
I began to notice my own beauty as a woman,
in this soft feminine body, so awake, so sensitive,
so deeply feeling...and instead of trying
to change it, force it into different lines and rigid patterns,;
to simply feel my body, to simply appreciate the wisdom within,
the movement that undulates
from the pulses of my ancestors...

I opened myself up to the pleasure that is within me,
and the beauty that I radiate,
I know there is more than enough room
for every woman and
every man's beauty to shine forth...
there is no competition or comparison
when beauty is streaming from my eyes,
there is nothing to see in others but beauty and love...

You are a beautiful woman,
worthy of all good things,
including a strong group of friends
inspired by your beauty, uplifting to your spirit,
and encouraging you to shine your light ever brighter,
all the while your friends
are courageously affirming their Own Beauty,
wisdom, intelligence, compassion, plenty and Divinity,
creating space for endless evolution
and full flowering of beauty for us All!

My wish is for all of us to gather soon,
and bring other women, too...
spreading this energy into our concentric circles!

I am deeply in love with each of you!

And just so you know,
I welcome all shades of you in my heart,
the light and those in the shadows...

All Light!

Deep Gratitude!
♥
Jaime

Taught by a Mother

Mardi transmitted softness
through her hands
last Summer
when I thought it was all over
crumbling out of my control~

And there
was a soft, gentle Presence
in her hands
that said,
"Just Love, Just Love, Be Love..."

I went home that night and
put my hands to his face

again

Soft and Gentle, this time

Taught by a Mother, a woman
without words
How to Love
this man, myself

And He melted

His doubt and confusion
momentarily increased

Who is This Woman?
What is This Touch?

And then, He settled in
allowing me to gently caress His body

Old Grooves
have me choose
Violence, Harshness, Hardness
and I'm in a Stew of Regret and
Lonlier Still...
Egomaniacal Low Self Worth
on a Broken Record

But...
A Ray of Light Shines Forth
When I choose a New Groove

The record scratches for a moment, shifting
And the Grace Unfolds
A New Symphony is Available

the space between stimulus and response
hold Infinite Doorways and Choices...

There is Hope in the Breath,
The Pause...

The Alligator-Wrangling of my mouth, my hands, my legs...

Allowing Our Hearts to Heal.
~Jaime Powell

Stretched to the Point of Rigidity

There comes a Time
When Stretching Is Not The Remedy.

When~
to stretch anymore passes the point of tensegrity and
the Rubber Ban becomes
FLACID
LIFELESS
USELESS
Ineffective for its original purpose~

Sooo loooose...
it is now rigid.
It is incapable of holding anything together,
not even itself.

It can only be limp and lifeless.

I've tried on so many ways of being
that I lost for a moment that sacred deep kernel essence
of who I am.

Who am I at the Center of My Being?

I am here to make a difference on the planet
by the radical way I love myself
and to have that love radiate out
to you, and the Universe.

I am a student, a teacher, in a New Paradigm!
I am an Equal Conscious Partner with You in
Learning and Growing...
I am a beautiful soul, complete in myself~
And it is OK to Rest...
The Journey Is Infinite and Endless
~Jaime Powell

inspired by this quote:
"Rest into the Wideness of it all..."
~Jaya Ashmore, on her 8 day silent retreat last year ar Stone House, Mebane, NC
(on a silent retreat, all it takes are a few well-placed words to rock my soul!)
after an experience that was quite the opposite.